Dreams: To be or not to be!

So last month I said life stinks!
I have never been so depressed for this long a time that I can ever remember.

Have you ever wanted something so badly in your life that it physically hurts?
The desire, the burning desire, is so strong that it cuts to your very core? Your mind won't stop dwelling on it, until you feel you are at the point you will lose your mind?

I can think of at least two things that have caused me such pain. There are probably more, but these two weigh on my mind.

The first was such a yearning/burning in the pit of my being for years. That was the desire to write children's books. I even took two home study courses on it, hoping that I would be able to write and publish children's stories. But, nay, I never felt I was good enough. You see, a lot of stories the writer is supposed to take from his childhood. And, not saying that mine was such a terrible childhood, but I could never remember anything good or exciting that I would want to write about. All the memories that came to me were the bad experiences I had. I did try to write a story once about my kids experiences, when my husband attempted to build cages in our back yard for pigeons, rabbits, and whatever wild thing he could catch (I never approved of that). I thought the title was good, something like "The Backyard Zoo". After writing it I read it to my small children, thinking, hoping, they would enjoy a story about their own home life. Again, nay. I think it was about that time that the proverbial "bucket of water" was thrown on my fire! And the desire slowly faded away into nonexistence.

I even used to write poetry before I was married, but that seemed to die out, too.

Now, the second yearning was to move out of this state and the pitfalls it has on my life and move to Utah. Not that I really want to live in Utah and it's snow, but to be closer to my girls, and my boys are wanting and willing to move too.
That desire has been burning within me for many years, where I was checking out Utah real estate all the time. I'm at a point in my life where I feel I need to physically move in order to change my life around...to start over, fresh. To be able to really do those things that I want to do. To have the room, the privacy...alone time, in other words, the freedom to do what I want, anything and everything, like reading scriptures whenever I feel like it, working on my family history, scrapbooking, writing poetry again, or just having the privacy to pray with total concentration and not be afraid of being interrupted. Attending the Temple whenever and as much as I want. Even to just travel when I want...just take off and go!

But, now that balloon has popped. I will never be able to do or have what I long for. I will never be able to have the life that I would like to have...where yearning and desire, hopes and dreams once were, now is just a big empty hole in the pit of my being. You know the saying? "caught between a rock and a hard place!"

And not being able to be with Kaleen and Scott as they were sealed...it's still tearing me up!

Hence, Life Stinks! My life, anyway.